Since this blog was born of a dream it feels only write to talk about esoecially powerful dreams I've had since. Last night I dreamt I was back on the Oregon coast, going to the community college I actually went to in my waking life. Everything looked different, as it usually does in a dream, but I knew inside that's where I was. The campus was now on the very edge of the oceanside cliff, rather than across the road from it, and there were hiking trails down from the campus that you could see all the views of the coastline and massive rock structures. My dreams are centered on feelings, naturally, and two feelings stood out that are common motifs in my dream life: overwhelming affection and anxiety. The affection was towards a new friend group, one I didn't have IRL, that were all going to school with me. The anxiety was from the really cool old car I had in the dream. It was a manual but something was very wrong and the clutch was horrible and everyone kept staring as I tried to leave the parking lot.

I think the experience of having a crush is so much stronger for me in dreams. It's because of the mystery of it all, I can't remember this dream characters name or face, I just remember hugging them and feeling my dream heart in my dream throat. I also feel like my dreams are a driving force of reminding me that men and women both give me that throat feeling. I'm not here to dig into the semantics of my sexuality, so I'll just that that in my waking life I intentionally choose not to pursue romantic relationships with men. It feels like a social, economic, political, and emotional choice. It's just better for me. So, despite any attraction (which is mostly hypothetical or literally only in my dreams) romance with men is shelved in self-preservation.

Not sure if that makes sense, but I don't think it needs to. I don't want to use labels that either stifle me or offend another. It's like people saying "I'm fiscally conservative." Get a life. Better to just forgo naming than to give myself the wrong name. Queer, gay, alien freak, I'll take them. Give me the umbrella terms. Where was I? Oh, duh, living on the beach and having a crush. I was living on the beach when I had my first date with a girl. We just drove around in her truck. People were kind of scandalized by seeing us together because our reputations were opposite, I gathered. I was the fresh lamb because no one knew me. After sitting and talking for a while we drove to the port for her to look for a loose cigarette on her dad's crabbing boat. I'm smiling writing this. How young and silly of us.

I went to the eye doctor yesterday. He wore a Hawaiian shirt and told me I had good eyelashes. The last time I went to the eye doctor was when I lived on the coast and realized I couldn't read road signs or see the finer details of the surf that I loved to sit and watch from up high, where I took both of these pictures. My eyes have gotten worse since then, and though I haven't seen the ocean in almost three years I want to be ready the next time we meet. Sort of like getting a haircut and a facial before you see your ex. Look at me, I am better than I was.

I think I have too much beach baggage.

Trill came home for a couple days. She went to the doctor with me and helped me choose out some pretty purple frames. I'll engrave her name on them.

Think about your dreams and the beach for me. Happy May.

xoxo char/trill

May 4th, 2025