I just told the story of how I collaged a paperback of The Price of Salt for my ex girlfriend. It was a garden scene with clippings from a ton of magazines. I probably still have a picture of it, actually. Let's see if I can hunt it down. Yes, there it is. This book means a lot to me, historically. But in that sort of fuzzy queer way that is like the web from the L Word. I was told to read this book by the first girl I ever "talked to" (the term "dated" isn't accurate because it was long distance and we are still friends to this day, also very gay of us) and I was instantly taken by it and made it my identity for a long while. I read it for the first time while I was working in a childrens library-- but it was during COVID so I was mostly alone in a library. I delivered books to classrooms, sanitized desks, wrapped paperbacks in thick plastic sheeting to make them stand up to wear and tear, listen to podcasts, and read-- a lot.

Anyways, telling that story makes me laugh and the person I told it to said, "That's the gayest thing I've ever heard." Guilty as charged! Living in a very small, VERY conservative town means I don't wear much on my sleeve in that respect. But these are little glittering reminders that yes, I was in love with a woman. And, should I be so lucky, I'll love some more women in my lifetime. I've been so locked down with the panic and chronic pain and that makes a lot of real life things feel out of reach but I think I'm a romantic at heart. I'm okay with the long game if it means I can be myself, my real, true, constantly healing self.

This is starting to feel very Hallmark, let's pivot. The new Samia album Bloodless is out and I'm listening to it for the first time as I right this. The lyrics, "Ooh, you've never loved me like you hate me now," to be specific and OUCH! Hey! She always knows the holes in my armor. Listen to her songs Pool or, Stellate for proof. I really try to remember where I've heard of specific musicians and artists, such as the source for my gay book drama you just read about, but I can't remember for Samia. I think she found me first and since then I've been the one to share her. Oh yes, I remember. I was living up on the river and would take a lot of really long walks, this was also at the beginning of COVID and being with my parents 24/7 despite being nearly 21 was draining as hell. So I'd do 40 minutes of yoga then walk a mile every morning. I listened to a lot of Harry Styles and Phoebe Bridgers and Faye Webster and so I was slowly being funneled more and more into indie girl pop. Thus, I heard Big Wheel for the first time and I was hooked. God, it's still such an amazing song.

This is another photo from that time in my life (mostly for practice wrapping text around images on both sides so I can stop sticking to the only format I know so far). It's in the apothecary shop from that coastal town I spent 6 years in getting my degree and other stuff. Coming of age stuff. Gag me. I think my stomach still hurts thinking about a lot of that time. This is like micro-dosing it. I have to think about my nervous system a lot more than I'd like to, and part of that is knowing when to give myself little opportunities to push out of my small comfort zone.

So here I am, telling you about my ex girlfriend and the books and music that led me to her, and still hold me after her. Things are always simultaneously more and less complicated than you'd think.

I'm not sure where Trill is tonight. Maybe she's collaging a paperback for a girl. No-- she's more the type to receive a collaged paperback. I think she borrows parts of my ex. The adventerous, floaty, happy parts. What can I say, I like to give credit where credit is due. And she'll never read this and in that I find feelings of immense freedom.
Anyways, hope you're well. I'll be back soon.

xoxo char/trill

April 28th, 2025