I had a dream last night. A dream about a woman-- shocker. When we kissed, towards the end of the dream, I thought within my dream mind that he lips were like the meat of oysters, and how similar flesh could be across animal kingdoms. She was Korean. Actually we were both Korean. She asked my Korean name, because I'd been going by an American name. I told her, and I remembered the feeling of my mouth saying it enough to google it when I woke up. My name was Da-som. It means, "love." After we kissed, because we were only friends for the entire dream up to that point, splashing around in the pool and joking around, I asked if we were good. I wish I could remember her exact words because they gave me such a gay panic it woke me up. But she smiled, smirked even, and said something like, "that wasn't so bad." SWOON. You've heard of people waking up from strokes speaking fluent spanish, I guess in my dreams I know a little Korean.

There was a record breaking heatwave in my state over the weekend. We peaked at 104 degrees and I didn't know if I'd make it. Heat makes my chronic issues flare like nothing else. I was dizzy, nauseous, confused, etc. I really can't stand the feeling, especially since summer used to be my favorite season by far. I love swimming and camping and sitting in the sun and roasting. It feels unfair that the older and sicker I get the more of these summer activities are taken away from me. I was beyond uncomfortable. So, to help comfort myself, I got this little guy. His name is Pizard. He's a pig wizard. He is so soft and slouchy and has been sitting on my chest or my knee or even my forehead as I survive this week. I thrive off his calming energy. Because my energy has been this:

I had therapy this morning and we didn't talk about my dream, but we talked about summer. I was born in late summer so the weather changing is always like the harbinger of my birthday. I can smell it on the air, just before the wildfire smoke clouds it out. Last year I tried to spearhead a yearly camping trip for my birthday, dubbed, "Birthday Camp," naturally. The first birthday camp was honestly a flop-- the family politics and lack of turn out made us all fizzle out early. But I am armed and ready this year. By that I mean my brother and his wife family moved out and so my "secular" friends are welcome again. I use a lot of air quotes to show that I know how ridiculous it all is, this delicate dance around fundie parents and siblings. But we are bouncing back! My tattooed, pre-marital cohabitating, maybe even gay (gasp!) friends will be in attendance. I hope they bring lots of cope.

I'd like to finish the book I'm reading today. It's the short story collection The Elephant Vanishes by, you guessed it, Haruki Murakami. It's big because this is the final work of fiction of his that I have to read. That's right, I've read them all. Everything that has been translated to English and published. But I'm no Harukist no no no! Now I'm the one coping.

This was very fluttery and meandering. I think that's just the kind of day I've been having. Be well.

xoxo char/trill
June 11th, 2025