Blog Post No. 6- John Cusack and Shadowheart
I'm having some toast and an applesauce pouch so my stomach isn't empty when I take a Midol. The weekend celebrating my oldest sister's birthday went really well, but I have been struck down hard since. Sometimes when I am especially mentally ill I take that as causation, not correlation. Like a, this is happening because you had it too good for that one day type narrative. A retaliation to my hubris of just having a nice time. But I'm trying to fight that dissonance this time. I am eating slow, using my good distractions, and taking medicine when I need it.
I don't know how to explain what it feels like in my body because it's hard to fathom that some people aren't in pain all the time. The way I described it yesterday was, "you know the days right after having the stomach flu where you're scared to eat and everything feels warped and feverish and not quite real?" That's how I've felt since I was 14. I think I could score at least silver in the nausea olympics. A big part of my agoraphobia was prompted by my digestive issues and food sensitivies. Like my last post, everything is all connected. I hate being this way. There are some things that, as familiar as they can become, you never quite get used to them. Despite it happening very regularly for over a decade, the pain that hits when I get a flare feels totally new and knocks me off my feet at first. I have to bear through the initial wave until the familiar parts of the cycle become clear. Like the shaking. When my legs start to shake it's scary but it clues me in to what's happening and lets me know that my body is moving through it, even if my brain hasn't quite caught up yet.
This is depressing. I am a big silver lining girl, a side effect of being in therapy as long as I have. A silver lining of the horrible pain day yesterday is that my roommate stepped up and took such good care of me. He got me the Midol I just took and he got Baldur's Gate 3 set up on the living toom TV so I could play while convalescing. Thus, Trill the half-elf Bladesinging Wizard was born. She's great. I already have my wife, Shadowheart, in the party. I've played this game so much I feel like I could have tens of blog posts dedicated to just BG3. I'll save most of my thoughts for those, if they ever materialize. Just know I love this game and I am going to play it as soon as I finish this blog post.
The last thing to come out of this weekend was a really nice time with my best friend. We had a sleepover after the big gardening work day at my sister's and we watched a John Cusack movie. He's my fav-- my letterboxd bio says, "John Cusack Megafan" and three of my top four are his movies. I also finally watched the 2010 adaptation of Norwegian Wood and it was truly fantastic. It was pretty much scene for scene from the book but handled in such a beautiful, cinematic way. Two thumbs up from me, the non-Harukist. Okay. To my wife I must return.
xoxo char/trill
April 22nd, 2025
I don't know how to explain what it feels like in my body because it's hard to fathom that some people aren't in pain all the time. The way I described it yesterday was, "you know the days right after having the stomach flu where you're scared to eat and everything feels warped and feverish and not quite real?" That's how I've felt since I was 14. I think I could score at least silver in the nausea olympics. A big part of my agoraphobia was prompted by my digestive issues and food sensitivies. Like my last post, everything is all connected. I hate being this way. There are some things that, as familiar as they can become, you never quite get used to them. Despite it happening very regularly for over a decade, the pain that hits when I get a flare feels totally new and knocks me off my feet at first. I have to bear through the initial wave until the familiar parts of the cycle become clear. Like the shaking. When my legs start to shake it's scary but it clues me in to what's happening and lets me know that my body is moving through it, even if my brain hasn't quite caught up yet.
This is depressing. I am a big silver lining girl, a side effect of being in therapy as long as I have. A silver lining of the horrible pain day yesterday is that my roommate stepped up and took such good care of me. He got me the Midol I just took and he got Baldur's Gate 3 set up on the living toom TV so I could play while convalescing. Thus, Trill the half-elf Bladesinging Wizard was born. She's great. I already have my wife, Shadowheart, in the party. I've played this game so much I feel like I could have tens of blog posts dedicated to just BG3. I'll save most of my thoughts for those, if they ever materialize. Just know I love this game and I am going to play it as soon as I finish this blog post.
The last thing to come out of this weekend was a really nice time with my best friend. We had a sleepover after the big gardening work day at my sister's and we watched a John Cusack movie. He's my fav-- my letterboxd bio says, "John Cusack Megafan" and three of my top four are his movies. I also finally watched the 2010 adaptation of Norwegian Wood and it was truly fantastic. It was pretty much scene for scene from the book but handled in such a beautiful, cinematic way. Two thumbs up from me, the non-Harukist. Okay. To my wife I must return.
April 22nd, 2025